Technique #1: Fixed Price Meal
Inside Reporter: Aaron Lee
Matthew and I were on our daily pilgrimage to Whole Foods. I was going to get my usual cardboard bucket of really really light salad and maybe a piece of chicken if it’s not too heavy. Spendy shit. We both thought – Where is ready-made set lunch prices? Everything goes by the pound!
Don’t go by weight – go with the fixed price.
There is a lunch/dinner price on a little sign by the hot food.
1 entrée and 2 sides: $7.99
3 sides: $6.99
What’s the difference between entrée and side dishes you ask? “Majority of meat” explained the lady. To test this theory I naturally picked the $9.99 a pound lamb shank with equally maxed prices on 2 sides. The shank would make even Fred Flintstone proud. It had the weight of 3 of my old paltry salad boxes.
Technique #2: 1/2 Sandwich Deal
Inside Reporter: Matthew Carroll
When you fill out your order for a sandwich, check to box at the top next to “HALF SANDWICH”. This secret little trick will literally save you hundreds of dollars over a year. The next trick is to load it up. If you can stomach it, select ALL the condiments. Three kinds of mustard, two kinds of mayonaise—all of it. Then be sure to select ALL of the fixings. Spinach AND lettuce. Red onions AND grilled onions. Remember, this is about volume. Cheese costs extra so only get one kind if you must.
Finally, when placing your order in the tray, make sure it goes on the bottom so it gets made before the other schmucks who ordered their overpriced “whole” sandwiches. It may be wise to glance around first before doing so. Get a bag of chips and you will still come in under $5.
Technique #3: “Child at heart” menu
Inside Reporter: Peter Yue
They have little pre-made sandwiches for the little ones in plastic boxes located close to the round check out line in the the fridge section with the drinks and hummus burritos. Well it’s like taking candy from a baby. What you get is a sandwich, apple sauce, cookies, and juice box. Under 5 bucks. And the majority of it is organic for those who care. Choose from a cheese, turkey, or PB & J. People skip over that because it’s “below” them. Whatever. Only the strong survive. And they survive by eating meals made for kids.
Now accepting submissions for issue #2: Secret free parking spots REVEALED
posted by Aaron Lee